SOFT SPOKEN DARKNESS

I wrote this poem, when I was lost within my inner darkness, and living didn’t seemed like an option anymore. It’s messy and raw, and it doesn’t makes sense, but it is real. I just wanna to share this side of my life as well, because I believe that life is not just always about being perfect and positive. Life is harsh and it sucks sometimes.

[Warning] – This poem might be a trigger if you are depressed, having suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide in the past.

I can’t feel anything anymore. my tears expired, my smile is fake, my anger doesn’t face it’s fire anymore.

I’m alone in a world filled with human creatures. Nothing to fight for, nothing to give. I am empty. No place to be, no place to go. everything still looks beautiful, but it isn’t touching my heart anymore.

I can’t close my eyes to fall asleep. I’m controlled by a battery that has the power to blow life inside my veins. Slowly, I’m bleeding from the inside, all I can do is hoping that it will be over soon. It is torturing me that the darkness is killing my light. I am begging…please be finished.

I have fought this inside war long enough. My inner spark has already disappeared. I am ready to go to hell. No single step will get me back to the light. I can see a small glimpse of light, but I already so deep under that I can’t reach it. I have spend to much time in the shadows.

my curse is contagious, it effects the lives of my loved ones. Everywhere I go, I will bring destruction into their lives. Hatred is filling up their pure hearts. I will burn myself as a punishment. Bleed for those who suffer the most the angel of death took over my mind.

I’m not who you think I am. White bright light is my black magic. Promise me that you will ignore my soft spoken words, they are not real.

I am ready to close my eyes for everlasting. I beg you to take me. This floor isn’t the right fit for me, I pushed the button to soon, I don’t belong here.

My eternal flame is quenched. No more battles to win, just to lose. Hate me as your own protection, it’s okay, you will survive my curse. I am not here anymore. You are set free, so you can unfold your wings and leave me behind.

All trees seem to look like the perfect hanging spot. Closing my eyes to fall asleep is impossible, all I can do is thinking about my past wounds. I’m broken and I can’t fix it anymore. I am stuck within my own created hell, all of my loved ones are here, but on the other side of the bleeding walls.

time doesn’t exist in this place, but it still continues on the other side of the wall. When the stars are just looking like tiny dots in the endless black sky upon me.

My long sleeve T-shirt covering most of my burn marks and the many that will come in the future. I’m bruised for evenly, with battle scars that never healed completely. open eye dreams about stabbing myself with a knife, so deep that I can’t feel the physical pain anymore, just only my own sick mind.

pills don’t help me any longer, 2 pills, 4 pills at once to 1 strip a day to quiet my mind. Numbness is taking over my body and mind. Collapsing on the floor, not able to move anymore. Shivering. Not able to stop. Freezing from the inside, so cold that I can’t feel my limbs anymore.

White blankets are covering me, to protect myself from the outsiders. The queen of the killing ice controls my body temperature. Boiling water in a cup doesn’t warm me up.

Need a hug but can’t ask for one. I’m so tired of small talk with strangers who actually don’t care about.., words that make my mind go into numb zombie mode. Shadows and voices, background noises who I can’t hear or listen. Music in my headphones is blocking the noise.

was hoping that you would wake me up in the moment I would fall asleep forever. I saw the light turn off and turned back on. So close and so far away at the same time.

lost my faith in that you would be there to wake me up, at the moment when the stars are slowly fading away. Leave me and come back to me. I need you more than I think.

Something is causing you a lot of pain, and I can’t figure out what it is. Damaged finds damaged. I need more tea even if it’s not working. I don’t know if you would accept my dark bright love. I am so confused, how can I be there for you. Without dragging you behind the hell side of the bleeding wall.