RISE

I learned a lot about the way my thoughts are creating negative energy what ultimately was causing a toxic mindset, trying to escape reality by making myself feel numb; switching off all my emotions, creating bad habits just to hate myself a little bit more every day, trying to control time by keeping myself busy so I didn’t have to listen to my inner voice, isolating myself; just to avoid hurting others with my messed up thoughts. So desperately wanting to be in control, that I was willing to sacrifice everything just to perfect, even if it was just for a small glimpse of time. And the silly part is, I always knew that this self-destructive way of living was not suitable for the long run. I was the mirror and with each failure, my reflection cracked a little bit more, till I came to the point where I didn’t exist anymore. I was just a memory of the past. I tried so desperately to get her back, walking through the gates of hell, but all I could hear was the sound of broken glass. The fire inside my heart became so ice-cold that I tried to set my flesh on fire, just to feel alive for a moment of time. Demons crawling inside my head whispering thoughts so strong like sharp razor blades. But I couldn’t resist any longer, because the /pain didn’t exist anymore, it was all inside my own mind. Feeling nothing became my pride, finally something I was so good at, something that made me feel euphoric. I knew how I got to this place, but when I was planning to turn back around I saw that the trail I followed was so overgrown with weeds, it was impossible to go back the same way I came. Perhaps for the better because how am I able to grow when I would take the reversed trail of destruction. Therefore I am searching for an unconventional way out of here, so l can return home to myself. My soul is now begging me to be brutally honest. To gather the courage to release all aspects of my reality that are not in complete sonority with who I became to be here. To look where I’ve been hiding in the shadows, suppressing my voice, or diluting my truth, for the sake of staying safe or people-pleasing or belonging. But the truth is, there is nothing save about pretending to be small. there is nothing save about sacrificing the long time happiness of my soul for the momentary desires of my ego. And by giving my energy to things, people, and situations that don’t fully value my worth, the physical manifestation of my reality will reflect her lack of truth within myself. There is no escaping from the truth. For the truth is all that is and ever will be. And ever will be. Every conversation, every moment, every experience, every touch is only guiding me back home to myself. It’s time to stop pouring myself into those who are unable to fill themselves. It’s time to free my heart from the pain of self-neglect. It requires courage to rise into who I come here to be. But I know that this is the only way to be completely free. When the foundation of my reality is rooted in the depths of my truth nothing can shake me.