Hi, it’s me again it has been a while since if have posted something here. But the main reason I’m back is that there are a few stories that haven’t been told. Most of these stories I kept to myself for a long time, to not allow myself to be vulnerable, to share my stories with others, or to find a connection, because I always thought that keeping things inside was the best way to deal with them, to bury them so deep inside that my very own mind and every little memory was gone. This all to try to protect myself by letting nothing come in or come out so that I eventually wouldn’t feel anything. I was living in a gray zone were nothing didn’t bring me joy or happiness. Only there were always those voices inside me who told me how to act, how to keep my distance from others, how to live my life, how to follow their rules. Living in this gray zone caused me a lot of problems because of everything that happened or was going on didn’t matter to me anymore. Like my mind was just blocking my feelings. I knew that I was still alive but it felt more like I was finding a way of surviving my own hell on earth. Every day started the same, ended the same and this all over and over again. It felt like I was just an experiment created by god himself to see how much a human being could handle before ending her life. I made lists filled with methods to commit suicide, the pros and cons of every method, the cost of materials and places to consider, drawings about the way and wrote a few letters to my loved ones. Just thinking about it made me feel calm and in control again, it felt actually nice to be back in control over myself again. Not knowing that this way of taking control was messing up my mind.
But at one moment I started to realize that my behavior was changing the way I was becoming as a person. It was a very difficult decision but I finally told my mum about the way I felt and the reasons behind my feeling. ( But I will save that for later because that’s already a story by itself.) We decided that it was perhaps a good idea if I went to see a psychiatrist who is qualified in my mental health issues field. But I had a lot of second thoughts about this idea because if I’ve been in therapy before and it didn’t end so well. However, I eventually became to a certain point that I was willing to try everything. So after a few sessions, I started making the process, not in huge amounts of course, but still, I was going in a good direction. After a few months, I decided that I was ready for a fresh start so I booked a couple of flights to places that I haven’t been before. I had a lot of doubts about leaving again because I was still in recovery. But it felt like this was the right time My family told me that it was always okay to return back home, that it wasn’t an act of failure. So the day I left my home again for the second time in 2 years was more difficult for my family because I was leaving them with unknown thoughts about my future. But when I arrived at my first destination New York I finally felt alive again. I had the time of my life and met a lot of beautiful souls, explored the city and tried a bunch of new things. There was no more need for taking control it was just being in the moment and enjoying my time here. After that, I flu to Oahu where I am currently still staying with a new friend I made here. It’s has been awesome time sofar with lots of road trips, eating delicious acai bowls topped with the best coconut peanut butter from the north shore, swimming in endless blue oceans, walking barefoot on the grass and my hair smells like saltwater and my feet are always covered in sand. This is what I needed the most, just living a simple life spending days with things I love doing the most.
See you soon.