ME + ANA & MIA

*Disclaimer; this blogpost might be triggering for those dealing with depression, eating disorders or other mental health problems. I am not a professional Dietician or Psychologist. I advise always to seek help from a professional if you are struggling with mental health issues.

Ana and I know each other for quite a prolonged time. I remember the time that my best friend in elementary school told me that in her perspective I wasn’t skinny, I just looked normal. Deep down hearing those words especially from her were painful, thinking about it still hurts. Not long after that I started throwing away my lunch into the bin in my own bedroom. But after a while my mum got suspicious, we sat down, not because I wasn’t eating but because I was wasting the perfectly lunches she made for me every day. Years before that I began to give away the little chocolates she put in my lunchbox. She was always trying to make my lunch look absolutely incredible, beautiful folded napkins, handwriting notes and some treats from time to time. Thank you so much mum, I really appreciate it but I just couldn’t. However, mostly the chocolates never made it inside my own body, I was more than happy to make one of my friends happy, by giving them my little treats. Also on the back of my head; “If I would come home, my mum would be sitting on the kitchen table asking about how my day was, which included a glass of lemonade, fruit and a biscuit.” So I felt so released if she just had some fruit as a mid morning snack with the extra sugar. When I was invited for birthday parties I was the kid that hated French fries, I was struggling with finishing a small portion. The girl who was trying to take off most of the toppings on her pizza, and having just a couple slices. I would pick a small box filled with raisins over a lollipop. Stepping on the scale each morning, before I allowed myself to take a sip of water. And if I did, now that basically screwed up my entire day, it still does. Everything Ana whispers inside my mind gives me control. Becoming perfection itself sounds so sweet. Every day passing by, I am studying and reading more about fasting, diets, nutrition, preparing “healthy “ meals and creating new excuses not to eat. Buying millions of packages of chewing gum, tricking my mind. Chewing equals eating, right? Numbness took over. I stopped caring about investing into friendships and relationships. So many arguments with my mum, dad and sister, I completely broke them down mentally. I am so sorry for causing my loved ones so much pain. They never sent me into a psych ward, but there were times when it got pretty close. Now thinking back, I was and am still a mess, perhaps I would have been better off there. I hated the feeling of being alive. I spent years doing research about death, committing suicide, pills to buy online, searching for the perfect hanging tree. But let’s save this for another time, I would like to spend an entire blogpost on this feeling. Ana has always been there fore me, she thought me how to through up in absolute stillness, she showed me were to buy laxatives, weighing food and counting calories precisely. While Ana and I took a break, was the moment I met Mia. She was a lot more flowing than Ana, but she also pushed me really hard till the points I was throwing up blood after eating a bar of chocolate at 3AM. Periods I was taking some bites of toothpaste to make up for the vomit taste inside my mouth. Followed by cleaning bathrooms, toilets and sinks became a daily habit. Sometimes I missed a couple spots what triggered the hell out of my mum, I think at that point she didn’t know what to do anymore. I spent some time in therapy again. Now I should probably inform you that talking isn’t my destiny. Listening suits me a lot better. I wasn’t mentally strong enough to lower my BMI dangerously low, what still feels like failure. I hope one day I can just, I don’t know…